It was cold, wet, and rainy today. The rain is about gone, but the cold is here for a few days and getting colder. People delighted in telling me today that it would be 19 degrees in the morning. I think they are wrong, I think it's only supposed to be 24 -and 19 the following morning. But at those temps - 5 degrees won't make much difference in how it feels when I go out to the car.
I feel a sense of panic trying to creep up on me in spite of the plans I made earlier about how I would approach the holidays this year. Thanksgiving is next week and I don't have a menu made, or even know for sure who is coming and when lunch/dinner will be. And then it will be Christmas.
Last year I felt like I missed part of Christmas. The mood didn't seem right, and I hate feeling like there is a checklist to be gone over and success means checking all the items on the list. I want to enjoy, revel in, embrace the holidays. In spite of my intent - it's hanging around the edges threatening me again.
I know the "Reason for the Season" and also the "true meaning of Christmas" - but at the risk of sounding shallow, selfish, and unreasonable - I want more.
I don't need stuff. But I want my family to want to be together. I want my children to come give me hugs unexpectedly, to know what kind of scent I like, I want to know what they want. I don't want to give them money for Christmas. I want everyone to like what I give them and to know they like it. I'm not talking about spending a lot of money on people (that's just not going to happen this year), but to connect with each other with fun and pleasure. I want everyone to set aside their own pet peeves and at least fake it in front of mom. I want grace and mercy to abound. I want everyone to give everyone else the benefit of the doubt. To assume the best.
Now, lest you think my family is a big, brawling, hate-mongering, fighting bunch - I need to explain that is not so. They are sweet, loving, and for the most part play nice with each other when they are together. The problem is . . . mom (me) knows too much. I know what drives each of them nuts about the others. I know what actions, what conversations, what attitudes are often triggers for others. I know who's stewing under the surface, I know who thinks the other one is being rude, I'm sure there is plenty I don't know - but I know plenty. And I feel responsible for it all.
I want to fix it all - even when I know that is not in any way either my responsibility, or even possible for me to do.
I can't make any of this happen. But I know what I can do. I can do all the things I want others to do. I can assume the best of others. I can set aside my own pet peeves. I can choose to let grace and mercy flow through me. I can act nice even when I don't want to. I can make the extra effort to make someone else happy.
My Christmas wish is to be the person I'd like others to be. I think it just got a little warmer . . .
Labels: Christmas, grace, mercy, My Christmas Wish, Reason for the Season, true meaning of Christmas, what I want for Christmas, wishes